Friday, 13 August 2010

DANGER! Do not give me hormones!

Hallo, my name is Louise, and I'm intolerant to hormones.  Yes, I'm weird, but I've long since accepted it lol.

When I was about 16/17 I went on the contraceptive injection Depo-Provera.  My GP persuaded me not to have it when I wanted it, but to wait a month as I'd be going on holiday just afterwards and that way my periods would stop and be better able to enjoy the holiday!  What an error...  The doctor never explained to me, that when you first go on the injection you can get mood swings - and boy did I have those...  I actually was wondering what on earth was wrong with me.  It was like I had a split personality and was stuck within my own head screaming at myself to let "the real me" out!

When on holiday, I remember my brother and my boyfriend asking me if I wanted to go to the hotel pool.  Inside my head I was thinking "yeah, sounds good..." but what came out of me was a tirade of anger and obscenities along the lines of "WHAT!? Why the F would I wanna go to the F-ing POOL!? For F sake!  Don't be so F-ing stupid, F-ing a-holes!!".  Inside me I was wondering "What was that all about!? Why!? I WANT to go to the pool!", and of course, they went off to the pool and I stayed in the hotel room majorly upset, crying and wondering what on Earth had just occurred.  My parents, brother and boyfriend got a complete bitch of a Louise for that holiday.  I was nasty and bitchy and for no damned reason!  It was like I was fighting with myself to stop the bitch from exploding and letting the real me come back...

It got a bit better with time... but throughout the time I was on the injection I went through very bad mood swings.  The slightest thing could make me fly off the handle and see red, whilst the inside of me looked on in horror.

One of the most notable visable things was the weight gain.  I went from a big size 8/small size 10 to busting out of size 14 clothing in about a year.  The most rapid weight gain was at the start, then gradually kept piling on and on.  It was that fast I've got really bad stretch marks on my legs, outside and in and one biggish one on my left arm.  It wasn't my pregnancy that caused them - it was the injection.  Time and time again the GP told me "it's not the injection causing this weight gain... it's your diet".  Yeah my diet was poor, but I'd always been able to eat what I wanted and not put on weight - my mother was the same.  I didn't want to get pregnant so I persevered, and even started thinking maybe the doc was right - it was just my diet catching up with me.

Condoms hadn't been working for my boyfriend at the time and I, and those who know me, know my memory is appauling, so therefore I'd never tried taking the oral contraceptive pill - I'd be pregnant in no time!

Things changed one day when I flew off the handle on one of my uncontrollable anger moments and threw a big sharp knife at my boyfriends face.

Luckilly I missed - but only cause he ducked out of my way.  By this point I must've been on the injection for about two years by then.

I'd been drying dishes and putting them away and he'd left the knife in the rack, pointy side up, and I'd asked him a few times not to do it.  I just seen red, picked up the knife, screamed abuse at him for his error and THREW it as hard as I could at him whilst screaming a "aaaaaaaaaaarggggggh!!!" noise.  We were living in a bedsit so he wasn't all that far away, and was lying in bed propped up in a sitting position.  The knife hit the wall where his head was.

That was our reality check.  This wasn't normal behaviour.  Something was wrong.  I could have killed him!  I dread to think what would have happened if he'd not got out the way... would I be in jail now?  Would my intolerance been found out/believed and I be let off? I'll never know - and am thankful for that too!



So back to the doctors I plodded, this time with my knife "story" to tell.  I told it and said "it's definately the injection, I REALLY want to come off it!".  The doc suggested I go to the GUM (genitourinary medicine) clinic at my hospital, since I'd tried and failed with condoms and was refusing to switch to the pill - no way that'd work for a Dory brained person such as I!

During my appointment, they LISTENED to me... they believed me about the rapid weight gain, and too about the holiday from hell, my inner me being trapped inside my body whilst this almighty bitch from hell exploded out of me, going against what I was actually thinking... they listened and believed.  In the end I had two docs in there with me listening to my experience.

They asked me about when I begun menstruation, what was that like?  Straight away I gasped.  It was like I am now.  Flying off the handle... my inner me trapped inside.  I'd long pushed that time to the back of my head.  But then, there in the office, I remembered the time I flew off like that and booted my Mother in the arm with platform boots on and making her cry in pain... my dad ripping my boots off and throwing them out the window and into our vastly overgrown jungle garden.  I remembered screaming whilst punching my brother in the kitchen whilst he was cowering in the corner...

"You're extremely intolerant to hormonal changes" they said.  It wasn't common, but not unheard of either.  Oh the relief...!  They stuck a "warning" type sticker on the front of my notes, stating I'm not allowed hormonal treatments as they make me violent and make me have vicious mood swings.

So I came off the injection, and went back on condoms.  The docs said my only other choices were the rhythm method, withdrawl or abstinence.  So I chose the not so reliable condom route again - thinking for all the times they ripped etc, they still had to be more reliable than rhythm or withdrawl, and I wasn't gonna be abstinent - I was only about 19!  They said I couldn't really try the copper coil as I'd not been pregnant before, and with still being so young too, my womb wouldn't be big enough for it to fit in.

About a year or so later, by then my then boyfriend and I had split, my weight had plummeted back to normal without changing my diet (SEE GP, it WAS the damn injection!!), and I had a new boyfriend and condoms kept splitting - again, and I became pregnant.

Unfortunately I miscarried the baby less than two months into the pregnancy, however because I'd then actually been pregnant, the GP agreed to try the coil in me - and failed as I found it far too painful.  I was meant to be returning to him in a month - actually during my next period (it's easier then) for him to try again.  

When I next went to the GP, about a month later - I got the same man.  He said to me on entering the room "right, trying again are we!" walking to the cupboard to get the coil... and I said "No - I'm pregnant".  This pregnancy was my lil man Daniel!  Of course, the doc asked how I felt about it, considering I was planning the contraceptive coil put in me, but I was happy as was D's Dad.

During my pregnancy I got ante-natal depression, then post-natal depression... I had many of the "risk factors" - tons of them actually, so those coupled with my intolerance to hormonal changes... I should have really expected to get them, but I didn't at all, and it was a shock when I did.

After D was born I got the copper coil - which has no hormones in it, and I've been "normal" as I can be since!  I just get very emotional/ratty etc during my period, due to my hormonal issues, I can't control myself very well, though it's nowhere NEAR as bad as when I was on the injection, I'm much more under control of that side of me now.

I can also genuinely say to my current boyfriend during "those" times of the month, that although I can be really be unreasonable/emotional/picky etc; hey - I have a medically diagnosed excuse condition! ;)

Hormones no longer control my life - I control THEM.  Self-control -  I now have it.

I'd be really interested to hear of anyone else who is intolerant to hormones or has had similar experiences - it's good to share! =)

Louise xXx

PS. Tried making this as short as I could... could've been a lot longer, believe me!