Saturday, 26 June 2010

Being Mrs P!

Panda Loving!

My boyfriend gets called Panda by one of his best mates because his favourite animals are giant pandas.  When we got together, his mate started calling me Mrs. Panda, which got shortened to Mrs. P. which he still calls me by (we've been together three and half years me and "Panda" *lol*)

He'd never seen one before, but longed to.   When we went on holiday to Madrid in February of this year (2010) we went along to it's theme park.  However once we got to the gates we seen a sign for Madrid Zoo... with a panda on it!  That was it.  We had to investigate!  He lit up... he dug out his iPhone 3GS and with great excitement showing on his face he turned on the "data roaming" function and "Googled" Madrid Zoo.  There it was.  Pandas... in Madrid Zoo and it was right next door to the theme park we were now in!

So we did the theme park rides as quick as we could, which wasn't difficult.  Many of them weren't open due to the time of year.  We then went to Madrid Zoo.  

It was an amazing zoo!!  The first thing we did though was buy a map, find the pandas and head over there!!

His face when he seen the a panda for the first time!  Don't think I'll forget it!

I fell in love too... with the Giant Pandas!  Was already in love with the Panda loving dafty.  The way the pandas rolled around... reminded me of kittens or puppies in their mannerisms!  So big though, yet so fluffy looking! So cute!!  Gotta be seen in real life to fully appreciate these glorious animals.

Here's a couple of photos of us with one of the pandas - the female Hua Zuiba.  

Hua Zuiba was born at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding on September the 16th 2003.  Her name means Beauty Mouth in Chinese.  Hua Zuiba's studbook number is 576.  Her mother is Cheng Cheng is 297 and her father, Ping Ping is number 377.  She came to Madrid Zoo, with a male - Bing Xing, on September 8th 2007.  A few months after Madrid Zoo moved into the new purpose built modern zoo in a new spacious setting on the outskirts of the city.


Unfortunately I dropped my camera and broke it in the zoo so we had to make do with the iPhone as a camera!

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This post was inspired by The Gallery.  A photographic workshop.  This post was for the subject of "Creatures". Click the badge below to see what it's all about!  

You put on the mask...

Time again for some fabulous Writing Workshop blogging!  Sorry I've been M.I.A. with this fab workshop of late... I've been a tad busy/scared of writing openly/uninspired etc... I'm sure it happens to a lot (hoping it does anyway!).

Anyhooooo the topic I've chosen from Josie's prompts this week is:

"What does depression feel like to you? Find words, descriptions, poems, stories, to give shape to that dark place that so many of us share."

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It's a dark place... you feel so alone.  It should be the most happiest time of your life... but it's not.  The guilt eats away at you.  You trust no-one.  Cannot tell anyone.  Cannot let anyone see.  They would know... you're weak.  You're sick.  You are pathetic. Utterly useless.  Pathetic excuse of a woman.  So you hide away... shut off from friends.  They can't see.  No-one can.  Nobody would understand.  How could anyone possibly understand? You're disgusting.  Not fit to walk the Earth with the others... You cannot let them know.  

You put on the mask.

I'm fine.  Everything is wonderful.  I'm overjoyed.  This is the best time of my life!  I'm so in love!  This is the best feeling in the whole entire world!  Look at me!  I'm content, happy... blissful.

But it's a mask.  

Behind the mask you're a demon.  A sick, depraved individual.  What kind of person would have such thoughts?  Such negativity and resentment brewing beneath the outer shell.

How could you? HOW!?  How could you BE like this?!  You scream at yourself inside.  You don't want to be feeling the way you do.  You can't help it.

What's wrong with me?!

You look at your devil child and instantly regret it.  Devil child!  You pick him up and scream.   You come to your senses.  How could you?!  What the hell is the bloody MATTER WITH YOU!?

You sick bitch

Thoughts of throwing the child from the window.  His screaming.  The non-stop colicky screaming.  Endless screams.  You can't take anymore.  This is torture.  He hates you.  You put him down and leave him.  Go scream in the next room.  Stomping feet.  Hands up in the hair pulling at it.  

Torture.  Pain.  Angst.  Hurt.  Turmoil.

You can't settle him.  Can't wind him.  You're useless!  Pathetic excuse for a "Mother".  You don't deserve the title!    Social Services would have you in an instant.  You're no Mother!

You feed, bathe, dress him... you take him to the health visitor.  You give him what he needs to grow... to survive.

You're ashamed.  Devastated.  Full of sorrow. You cannot give him unconditional love.  The love he needs to thrive.

There is no maternal bond.  You so desperately want to have... but you don't.  You won't admit it.  Not to anyone.  They can't know... they'd just not understand!!  What kind of Mother cannot love their child more than anything in the world?!  


Lying in bed.  Your house may as well be a prison cell.  You cannot get out.  You bang at the windows.  You want help.  You cannot ask for it.  


To ask for help you must admit you're a failure... They'd take the child away from you!!  You cannot ask for the help.  Never.  You say you don't love the child.  You're filled with fear of losing him if you disclose your awful secret.  Petrified of losing him before you can love him.  You must love him.

You put on the mask and tomorrow is another day...

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I had ante-natal depression when pregnant with my son, then after his birth it developed into post-natal depression.  I know now, the reasons for this.  I had so many of the risk factors - nearly all of them!  I had it pretty bad...  and I'm still not completely over it.  He'll be 7 this year.  I love son, he's awesome!  However, I still don't have that bond I speak of in the post.  It's difficult to admit it, but I'm not so ashamed of it anymore.  

I had ante-natal and post-natal depression.  It's not as uncommon as you'd think.  It destroys people.  It changed me.  I'm still resentful.   don't want to be bitter... but I am.  I still feel jealous of those who have that kind of bond with their children.  I feel the ante-natal and post-natal depression has robbed me of a lot.  I want that bond more than anything in the world.  

I keep getting told it could happen one day...  I hope so... I really do.

L xXx

Monday, 14 June 2010

Ready for Night Shift...

Ready for Night Shift...

I just laid out stuff to pack up for my night shift tonight.  This what I've got thus far...

1 can of Relentless Origins
1 litre bottle of Orange Juice
A container of Bran Flakes
1 tin of baked beans and a couple slices of bread
2 packets of crisps
2 pears
1 apple
1 cup of soup (chicken)
a heap of tea bags and couple of packets of coffee (not that I like the stuff but just in case...)
1 book - The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (an Eclipse Novella) by Stephenie Meyer
1 iPhone
1 iPhone charger

Yes that will do!

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I work in the operating rooms of my local hospital.  We are often rota'd onto night shifts, and the majority of us do 7 nights on/7 nights off.  This means for the next 7 days I'll work two weeks worth of hours - 75 hours, and next week I'll get a whole week off!  There is always an orthopaedic speciality scrub nurse on nights, and this week - that is me.  

I do enjoy night shifts... I've always been a night owl, even in primary school staying up half the night reading - much to my parents dismay! Boy they tried to get me to just go to sleep, but I would wait til they were sleeping and the light would just go back on... sometimes til 6am when Dad was getting up for work!  So therefore... night shifts don't bother me in that way. 

They are however stressful for me in getting childcare... a whole week to figure out who will mind my wee fella, making sure that person has uniforms etc for Daniel... it's a mission!  I'll often have to wake early and collect him from after school club then someone will collect from me before I start my shift at night.  

Night shifts can be hairy too... you never know what will rush through that door on nights.  You have to work tighter as team on nights.  Team work is vital.  Nights can be emotional.  You can work all through the night with hardly any "down time" and be exhausted by the morning, both physically, mentally and emotionally.

When we've not got cases, there's other things to do.  We stock up the theatres, we make sure all the theatres have all the trays of instruments etc that they require for the day set up by the day staff, and if they've not managed to do it, we'll get them set up for them.  We clean and we tidy.  There's nightshift "tasks" that we do every night too like putting the scope machine on a high clean/rinse with no scopes in it to clean it and other things.

When we've finished these things.. it's down time.

Nights are great for learning more about your co-workers... it's rare that for the whole 7 nights you'll be rushed off your feet.  There's often a lot of down time.  This time is great for learning more about the people you're working with, their lives, their personality, what makes them tick... and that I love!  

We will eat food... talk... laugh... maybe watch a DVD... read books, play games consoles/iPhones etc that have been brought in.  

Saturday night there is a tradition to buy in a takeaway meal as our treat for nearly being finished the weeks worth!  Everybody looks forward to the Saturday night takeaway... you need something to keep you going if you've had a rough heavy week of shifts.

So here's hoping it's a quiet set of night shifts about to begin...

but if not, I don't mind too much - I love my job!!!

Saturday, 12 June 2010

5 Year Meme

Thank you to And Then All I Thought About Was You for tagging me for the 5 Year Meme!  Check hers out by clicking her name there.

So basically it's just a few questions, easy peasy (so I think now before I start!) so here we go...

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Question 1: Where were you 5 years ago?

Okay June 2005... crikey I can't even think where I was living - not a good start!! Is it four or five years I've been in my own home now??  Damn I'm gonna have to hunt down the mortgage stuff to see... okay I moved into this home on 2nd February 2005!  Wasn't sure if was 2004 or 2005 but oddly always remember that it was the 2nd of February!

So June 2005 would've been just 4 months after moving into this place I call my home with D's Dad (my fiance at the time) and baby toddler D.  We were in that happy "ooh we've got our own house, we're a family!" way of thinking for a few months.  It was brand new too when we moved in... everything so clean, fresh and NEW.  Shame that only lasted a few months before the problems that were already there with us, came back into our lives.... and then we split the day after Valentine's Day in 2006.  So we'd been in that house just one year and 13 days when he called time on us.

In June 2005 I was working for Tesco - who I had done for 8 years by that point!  I worked in the petrol station for 7 years by then after a years stint on the checkouts (boredom hell!).  Though after returning from maternity leave I'd reduced my hours down to 16 hours a week.  I kept working there throughout my nurse training - in June 2005 I was probably accepted to start... as I did in September 2005 and qualified in September 2008!

June 2005 I was still in the throws of trying to overcome/deal with post-natal depression... something I still feel I'm not quite over, despite thinking so a few months ago that I was free of it at last.

Question 2:  Where would you want to be in 5 years time?

I'd still be working where I am because I love my job as a scrub nurse in operating theatres!  My speciality is orthopaedics, which is my favourite area to work in... have tried a fair few different ones now, but my heart lies in ortho.   Though maybe I'd be a team leader in 5 years?  Who knows... sometimes I think it'd be nice... the extra money and the likes, but there's even more stress and responsibility with that role including battling with the surgeons lol!

In 5 years time I had better be in a 3 bedroomed house with a garden!!  Currently I live in a downstairs 2 bedroomed flat, with just one floor above me which houses a lovely blonde air hostess lol.  I really want a house with a garden though... and one with a garage would be even better - not for a car but for a gym and maybe some woodworking/DIY workshop area - for me!!  I'd love to get into woodworking/carpentry...  I do love decorating!

I'm taking my driving lessons just now, so I hope to dear heck I've passed by then and so am on the road and own my own car with a bike rack so we can go out cycling anywhere we feel the urge to visit!

I'd love to say too that I hope I'm all blissfully wedded up in 5 years... I am getting on a bit for not being married - I'm 29 in October!

Not asking for TOO much am I?!

Question 3:  What are 5 things on your "To Do" list today

1. Go to work (done on writing!)
2.  Package up ebay sold shoes for sending!
3.  Send the ebay parcel
4.  Tidy livingroom
5.  Finish my book

That was the plan when I woke this morning... However half way through writing this after work, and have half wrapped the parcel my best mate text and is on her way over to take me to the pub!  I think I can now scrap the rest of that list...

Question 4:  What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

1.  CRISPS!  My ultimate favourite
2.  Salted peanuts
3.  Chocolate bars
4.  Cake
5.  Biscuits

Question 5:  What would you do if you were a billionaire?
  • pay off mine and my families bills and give them cash to build their own dream houses.
  • I'd build my own custom made dream house!  
  • put a whack into accounts for my son and two neices for when they're 21.
  • put a big whack into an account where the profits every year can go to charities/charity work.
  • I'd go and do charity work as a operating theatre nurse on the mercy ships.  that way I still get to do the job I love.
  • I'd have a couple of holiday villas.  I'd have fun chosing them ;)  My families could then use the villas at their pleasure.
  • I'd travel across America in a campervan!  This would be during the school hols so D could come with me.  
  • I'd probally enroll D in a private school.
  • I'd still have a home in this city I currently live in!  
  • I'd go and meet the long time net pals I have... finally!! You know who you are...
  • I'd have plastic surgery... HELL YES.  Not totally fake like that wifie from The Hills did..., or OTT like Jordan but definately things like sorting my nose which I hate, and some liposuction... and cosmetic dentistry.
  • Get a personal trainer and make myself fit healthy and with a slim stomach lol...
Okay gonna stop now... must get back to reality!!

Considering I don't even play the lotto it's even less likely to come true ;)

Gonna tag... (sorry if you've done it already!)

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Still Life Femur

This is the femur component of a total hip replacement. It is an Exeter stem.

This photo is a tiny glimpse into the job I adore as an operating theatre nurse with orthopaedics being my main base and specialty.

This is the hip implant on top of one of the metal theatre trollies, and I love how it turned out!

My boss when he gave it to me said "Here's a present for you, it was refunded by the rep as the attatchment had a fault... nice ornament for you?!".

to which I replied with thanks, and that I'd get it tattooed where it will inevitably go when I'm old and needing my hip replaced ;)

This is a few hundred pounds worth of implant here... what shall I do with it?!  Frame!? LOL! 

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Check out my daily photographs at my BLIPFOTO account

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This post was for The Gallery photograph workshop!

The theme was "Still Life".

Check it out by pushing it's button below!