Wednesday, 24 March 2010

My Breaking Dawn

Ahhhhh you see what I did there with the Twilight thing... I bet even non Twilighters would recognise the title as a "Twilight thing".  These two words are so relevant to what I'm going to be talking about here, but it's got nothing to do with Twilight... honest!

A few weeks ago I started crying... and I quickly realised they were tears of relief and joy.  The realisation had hit me - that I was finally truly free of the post-natal depression.  I had thought I had been "over it" for years... but I really had not been at all.  I think I just wanted myself to be free from it so much that I had just pushed it deep inside somewhere, denying it was still there.

I'm not going to try not and go into great depths with all of this... but here is the "jist" of it.

A few months after becoming pregnant my sons father received a posting to go to Afghanistan with the Army for 8 months or something like that - with about 3 months prior to that he'd be away training.  Pretty much half way through my pregnancy he'd be leaving us, for a year.  He is in the Territorial Army, and so I was pretty dumbfounded about the posting... I didn't want him to go, but he had to.  That was the start of ante-natal depression.  Yes, you can get that whilst pregnant.  I didn't realise this was what it was at the time, but I just knew I was messed up.  There's many reasons for me thinking this... I can't really go into on here.  But it was bad.

The pregnancy was also not an easy one... the second half was troubled.  D wasn't growing as he should, and I had to be observed closely.  He had IUGR which meant he wasn't growing properly in accordance to his dates.  I had constant growth scans and liqour volume scans, as well as having to go to the hospital for physiotherapy for pregnant mum classes and the ante-natal classes.  I'd also get a midwife visit once a week at home - and I'd often end up at the hospital afterwards to be hooked up to the machines to trace his heartrate and movements.

D was not a happy bunny in there.  He didn't move as much as he should... and as time past this got worse, and the growths slowed.  I got taken in to be "started off" at 30 weeks after one such visit where he wasn't moving much at all.  Luckilly in two days time D's dad was coming back home with the rest of the lads too, just for one day to drop off his Army "greens" as they'd now had "desert" kit given to them.

I got started off, it didn't work, the second time failed too.  I was too early they said, and D was too small... just a couple of reasons why it never worked.  So the next morning I was taken to the labour suite and had my waters manually broken and was hooked up to the drip of stuff that gives you contractions.  I can't really remember now when D's dad arrived! I just remember he was exhausted cause he'd not really slept in 48 hours because he'd been on the field training.  But I was glad he was there... even though he kept falling asleep in the chair beside me!

Anyhoo every time these went up to decent strength to give me proper contractions worth of doing anything "down there", D's heartrate would plummet... REALLY low... into the 50's.  After the second time, they called for a doctor, and was told to try once more.  By this time I'd already guessed D was gonna be a c-section baby!  I could just tell myself, he wasn't having any of this labour nonsense!  The third time, his heartrate plummeted into the 40's this time, and I was whipped very quickly onto my side with an oxygen mask forced into my face being told to "breatheeeee! long deep breaths... do it for your baby!".... the midwives were scared, I could hear it in their voices.  I knew then for sure, we were off for a c-section.  Luckilly D's heartrate increased once the drip was stopped, and therefore I managed a spinal to be awake whilst he was delivered.  He was put straight into the incubator and I didn't see him.  They had to work on him... he was so tiny, at only 4lbs 4oz.  He went to the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU) with his Daddy whilst I listened to the doctors talk about chinese meals whilst they sutured, the starving me, back up.

D spent his first night in intensive care section of SCBU, as he needed a glucose drip and extra care and warmth as he couldn't keep his warmth at all.  D's dad had to leave the second day of D's life  back to training - the Army wouldn't let him stay.  He got a cuddle from D before he left.  I never got cuddles with D til day 4.  No-one offered me to there, and I was too scared to ask.  I thought I wasn't allowed to, for his health etc.  I thought maybe they'd broken the rules with D's dad because he was leaving.   D stayed in SCBU for a week. Once he was back on the ward with me for a day I took him home, I couldn't hack it in there any longer, I was getting no support at all with breastfeeding - even though D was still only 4lbs 4oz, and I was struggling with the breastfeeding because in SCBU D had been tube fed my expressed breast milk and additional formula, then he'd been bottle fed in there by the nurses without my permission, and I had then been trying to breast feed him.  The poor baby didn't know whether he was to lie there doing nothing to get his food (like with the tube) or which way to do things with his mouth to get it to "work".

I took him home, and a day or so later I gave up the breastfeeding as he just couldn't get enough out of me, as he was so confused what to do.  The bottles were a godsend, he could work them just fine.   Plus being so wee he ate a LOT.

D also had mentally bad colic.  I mean it was AWFUL!  My Dad, Mum and I had to take it in shifts to stay up during the night with him!  He was that bad he never really slept, and just dozed on and off instead - because of the colic.  I used to phone my Dad at work asking him how long he'd be til home for lunch, as he was - and still is with my neice - the expert baby burper!!  I couldn't do it at all, I was useless at it.  I used to also sit and watch my mum walk up the hill after her work and stand by the front door to pass D to her soon as she was through the door saying "burp please!".

Daniel wasn't an easy baby is what I'm trying to say here... and if it wasn't for my folks I'd probably have went properly insane instead of just having the post-natal depression...

A year after D was born he was diagnosed with having a form of Spina Bifida... which they misdiagnosed as something better than it actually is, and due to my friend Google, I managed to correctly diagnose him myself with a rare form called Occult Spinal Dysraphism - with a Tethered Spinal Cord.  Two links here to it Here and Here (this one is written by a woman who has this sort of problems).  There's a lot that may happen in D's life that I'll not know until it happens.  He may need surgery on his spine, and his legs, and also may lose control over his bladder and bowel at any times.  He will have to have regular MRI scans to check on him, especially as he hits his teens when the boys do that growth spurt thing... his tail bone is tethered (stuck) to the base of his body by a fatty lipoma (mass) that means it's not free in there meaning as he grows it could pull on his brain stem.  There was a lot of stress and worry at this time.

The first couple of years of D's life were so hard!  We were fighting to get a home of our own, and eventually I managed to get a mortgage for a home, and we moved in.  A year later, D's Dad and I split up.  The home was bought solely in my name and luckilly I was just able to afford staying here - despite the fact I was now training to be a nurse.  By this time I thought I'd gotten over the PND and that I was just a negative person and that's the way I was!!

It's only this year, I've noticed it.  There's definately a weight that's not there anymore... life is brighter, and I'm happy!  I look at life differently, I see things differently, and I'm different with D... I see HIM differently.  I'm a different person.  I'm not negative anymore... and I look for the positives in things.  It's like I've had black and white lenses over my eyes and suddenly, I can see in colour...  that's about

It's strange when it hit me I wasn't consciously thinking about it at all.  I was just sat at the computer, listening to music and tweeting when it hit me... this was my breaking dawn. I broke into tears, and smiled, and I laughed... and then I cried some more.  Happy tears.  It had been nearly 7 years of sadness lifted.  I was so ready to see I'd finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel and stepped out of that tunnel INTO the light! The relief I felt was amazing.

I'd moved on... and I'd let go of all the sadness of my past.   It was time for a new chapter in my life.  I was happy and free.

Sorry this is so long!! I've tried to edit it down to as little as I could make it.  There's TONS left out, but I've left in only what I thought I should keep!

L x

This blog was for the Writing Workshop over at Sleep is for the Weak blog.
Check it out here...

I chose this prompt:

4. Describe a ‘letting go’ that made you happy, rather than sad. What have you been ready to say goodbye to? What new future have you been ready to embrace?

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

101 things in 1001 days. Day Zero project.

Build a snowman

Go rockclimbing

Go horseback riding

Go ice skating

Go camping

Dance in the rain

Go skiing

Explore a cave

Pass driving test

Host a game night

Buy a car

Throw a message in a bottle into the ocean

Write a will

Donate blood regularly again

Attend a festival

Kiss in the pouring rain

Pass theory test

Go to Alton Towers

get a tattoo

Bake a cake from scratch

Gain more confidence

Dye my hair red

Make a living will

Go to the dentist!

Put away £10 for every goal completed

Climb Ben Nevis

Climb Ballater Hill (Craigendarroch)

Take son abroad on holiday

Get son a passport

Get another provisional driving licence card

finish the "secret project"

Buy a digital SLR camera

Lose the "mummy tummy"

Successfully make pancakes

Take D to Edinburgh Zoo

have complete hair makeover

Buy myself a bike

buy a bike for D

Teach D how to ride a bike without stabilisers

Paint something artistically with the painting stuff I've had for years!

convince someone to do this 101/1001 challenge

Go on a Jacobite cruise

Go on the Dolphin Tour

See a Dolphin in the Moray Firth

Get D into swimming lessons

See Blink-182 play in concert

Watch a 3D movie in the cinema

Join an activity or club involving leaving the house

Sort out my iTunes

cycle somewhere that's at least 20 miles there and back

make a lasagne

get D into Boys Brigade or similar activity

Join the ASPP

Get my blocked sink fixed

Take D on a day trip on the train

Take D to Nairn beach

Take D to Black Isle Wildlife And Country Park

Take D to Landmark

Take D to Skye Serpentarium Reptile World

Take D to The Fun House in Aviemore

Give D a proper birthday party for his 7th birthday

Go on more mini breaks

Go to Loch Ness Monster Visitors Centre

Go to Inverness Museum with D

Take D on The Jacobite Steam Train

Go to Waltzing Waters

Take D to Scottish Seabird Centre

Have a 30th birthday party in Oct 2011

Restart and keep going to the gym regularly!

Buy the rest of this shared ownership home

Get new lino for bathroom (or tiles!)

Eventually plumb in a shower!

Tile the bathroom walls for shower

Re-organise the livingroom once I get a new leather couch

Learn how to use DSLR and take photography pictures

Go to a proper nightclub! (not in Inverness!)

Start taking makeup off at night - every night!

Brush my teeth at least twice daily

Take photo of myself and friend/s in a photo booth!

Do a parachute jump / bungee jump /zip slide / abseiling

Go on girly holiday / mini-trip

Go to Amsterdam to meet Lotte

Tie a note to a balloon and let it go...

Go on a proper date

Take swimming lessons and learn to swim!

Be more pro-active with friendships

Take an adult education/fun/learning class

Buy and wreck a

Stop leaving things til the last minute

Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's for the 1st time

Cook a full roast chicken dinner for 1st time

Cook something in the slow cooker for 1st time

Play in real Poker match with others

walk across the Kessock Bridge

Go on a photography "road trip"

Do the "shoebox appeal"

Jump off the Ness Islands bridge into the water like I did as a child

Make more proper friends

Learn to sew / Get sewing machine and learn how to use it

Take D to a football match

Finish watching all the X-files episodes and films

These are my 101 things that I plan to do in the next 1001 days of my life...

see them scored off as I achieve them!

I have from today, 23rd March 2010 until 19th December 2012 to complete these.

This is part of the Day Zero project.  I found this fantastic idea thanks to Keri at And Then All I Thought About Was You and decided to take up this challenge myself.

As you know from previous blogs, or maybe not if you've not read any hehe, is that in the last year I've been setting about changing my life.  Last year it was financially and stopping smoking, which I completed successfully, and this year I'm bringing it to the next level.  This will also help me focus on doing new things - I hope!

Follow my journey here on my blog, as I'll no doubt be blogging about some of these tasks as I sset about completing them!

Let me know if you'll be setting up your own Day Zero project.  It looks like fun, come on... join us!

L x

Monday, 22 March 2010

Happy is as happy does

Inspired by Josie at Sleep is for the Weak when she posted about 10 things that make her feel happy right now, and asked us to tell her 10 things that make us happy...

My lovely Livi also tagged me in her 10 things blog, thank you so much hun! 

Anyhoo!  These are mine...

1.  Baking with the lil man.

This is a new activity we do together.  It's messy, it's quite stressful (for me lol!), but it's fun!  It also doesn't cost much and you get something to eat at the end of it.  Well... this is not a given, we're still novices here!

2. Playing the wii with my boyfriend.

This is something we've only recently started to do a lot of... mainly because House, and Lie to Me are both on airing breaks at the moment!  I love this past-time with my other half... even though we both love to win, and hate to lose!  Oh the "arguements" and banter that passes back and forth between us is quite hillarious really!!  Anyone looking from the outside in, may think we actually hate each other!!  Especially when we play The New Super Mario Bros Wii... We argue like crazy!  He always kills me by accident... he's not as good as it as me.  I was a PROPER child of the 80's!  He was born in '86 and I was born in '81 so I really grew up with the whole "Mario is better than Sonic" thing... though these days the kids would call it being on "Team Mario" or "Team Sonic".  I was on Team Mario.  Hell yeah - I still am!!

3.  Blogging.

A new favourite thing of mine!  It's something I've wanted to do properly for ages now, but after reading Livi's blogs and extremely enjoying them - it ignited the passion, and I decided to give it a go!  Just love the Writing Workshop for weekly writing inspirations, and The Gallery blog for photograph tasks!  I've also signed up for Heather's Secret Post club, which is a once a month gift swap between bloggers.  I can't wait to get started on this... it looks such fun! 

I also love the fact that blogging is helping me "meet" more people, and getting me more Twitter friends!  Love reading other peoples blogs, and about their lives... the ups and the downs, and helping out with words if I feel I can.  

4.  Twitter.

Tweet Tweet!  Just love to Twitter I do!  My user name is @WeeWifie1981.  I love that I can just spout out random gumph (LOVE that word!) at any time of day... if there's something on my mind, I can just set it free into the Twitterland! lol.

I also attended my 1st "Tweet Up" a few weeks ago too.  A Tweet Up is an event where Twitter users go along and meet up with fellow local users!  The "Ness Up" Inverness Tweet Up, was a roaring success.  I loved meeting people that I'd "spoken" with on Twitter for a long time... and the fact they were all EXACTLY as I thought they'd be!!  I also met new people that night, that I didn't follow, and we all now follow each other on Twitter.  This is us below!!  I'm middle row, second from the left.

5.  Learning to drive.

This is an amazing experience, and I just love getting behind the wheel and driving!  Can't believe I was so petrified of learning before!  This is why I've only just started learning now, at the grand age of 28 (boy saying that never gets easier!!).  I've only been learning for a month now, so still have a fair bit to go, but I'm extremely enjoying my lessons, and my instructor is fab! Patient, kind, friendly, funny and not bad looking for an older guy too!  So can't complain there... he puts me at ease, and I feel relaxed, capable and not scared at all!  Just pure excitement and enjoyment!  Get me on the road!! Can't wait to pass my test later this year, and get a car.  It will give my son and I a whole new lease on life.  Up here in the Highlands, there's not that much to do if you can't drive!

6.  All things Twilight and Robert Pattinson...

Okay okay... I'm a Twifanatic! About 2 months ago one of the team leaders in work - R - brought in Twilight on DVD for us to watch on night shift.  We work in the operating theatres, and do 7 nights in a row, doing "waking on calls" if you may.  Gotta have people actually in the theatre department through the night incase emergencies burst through the door!  I have a rule where I won't watch a film if I knowingly know there was a book first... because the book is ALWAYS better!  But alas, I didn't have much of a choice on these nightshifts.  So we watched the film, and addicts were born!  Myself and the other nurse - F - had never seen/read Twilight before, but R had read all the books but had not watched her DVD yet.  Well that was that... the next shift we arrived, F and I had both downloaded the Twilight music onto our iPhones.  I had bought all 4 of the books, and the 2 disk DVD.  R thought it was hillarious!  We were all like giggling teens.  Something wrong about that when we are all in late 20's/early 30's!  So now I'm an addict.  I've watched the films many times, and I've read the books once... but wanting to start them again!  And I think Rob Pattinson is extremely godlike lol...  oh how it feels like to be a teenager again!  Go Team Edward!!!  Rob's new film Remember Me is out in the cinema in a week, and I can't wait to go drool over him with my friend!

7. Making a new "me" by achieving New Years Resolutions

You can see from this earlier blog post here... I've been trying to change my life around.  It started last year with getting my finances in order - paying off my loan early and paying off my credit card and store accounts etc.  I also gave up smoking at the end of last year.  This year I'm taking things to another level... in that blog post you can see what I'm setting out to achieve.  I'm really enjoying challenging myself.  I want this new me, and better life.  I'm setting out to get what I want.  Positive thinking!!  

8.  Healthier eating and cooking.

I have IBS.  Lately it's been getting a lot worse, so I decided enough was enough and that I had to make a change.  So I ordered a big Tesco online grocery delivery... with nothing "bad" in it!  No crisps, no biscuits, and no cans of Coke etc!  I thought about healthy meals I could make... ones D wouldn't eat, and ones we both would, and how I'd implement these...  And I started a week ago.  On Monday I made a start, but had pizza at night, as I had some in the fridge.  From waking up on the Tuesday morning I have been extremely good!  For the first few days I was still in a lot of pain whenever I ate anything, however now... the pain is gone!  Everything IBS related has improved.  This is amazing!  It's spurring me on... Last night I went for drinks with a friend, and didn't buy any crisps or junk in the pub - and also when I got home I ate an apple and a glass of apple juice before bed - despite my boyfriend having left a near full bag of Haribo Tangfastics for me beside my bed!!  They were open... and I could smell them...!  But I didn't give in - even with alcohol on board lol!  So I hope I can keep this healthy eating up!  Even Daniel is enjoying the food I've been making - good proper wholesome healthy meals, and is also loving the variety of fruit there is for him to choose from. He's not even asking for crisps!

9.  Reading.

Whilst at university doing my nursing degree, I stopped reading "meaty" books, and went onto lighthearted rom com girly books.  I was so tired I couldn't concentrate on them.  Lately I've gotten back into reading non rom com books, and I'm loving it!  I forgot how much I enjoyed reading.  It's always been a large part of my life.  As a child I spent a vast majority of my time reading... sometimes through the night til sunrise (sorry parents I still managed to wait til you were sleeping and put the light back on!).  I've always been a night owl, even back then in primary school.  Next on my reading list, is "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold.  I'll probably get started on this today.

10.  Holidays!

I'm on annual leave from work at the moment... and boy does it feel good!  I LOVE my job, and it's not really like work for me, however it's still good to get a break away from it.  To just be able to be me, and relax, and do what I want, when I want... to not worry about childcare...  ah bliss!

Also I have next week off WITH my son!!  A whole week together... this is rare.  This has not really happened since I was on maternity leave!  Though we did go to Butlins in Skegness last year with my Dad, it wasn't for a full week.  D will still be going to his Daddy's though, on "his nights" with him, but will be dropped to me when his Daddy goes to work, so he'll be with me for the rest of the time, he's all mine, just the two of us... and well maybe time with others too, but you know what I mean!  I'm looking forward to us spending time together next week.  I'm hoping the weather stays nice too... and that he'll want to spend time with me too.  He does love playing with his friends lol!  Hope he'll want Mummy time!

Wow... what a novel!!

I'm such a chatterbox!

Oh well... better out than in I say *winks*

L x